When people hear the word socialisation, they often think of making friends, “fitting in,” or learning how to get along with others.
While those things are important, socialisation is a much broader and more powerful process. It is the invisible “soil” in which a young person grows. It determines whether they feel safe enough to take risks, whether they believe they have something to contribute, and whether they can imagine a future for themselves.
This article is for: families, carers, support coordinators, educators, youth workers, and organisations supporting children and young people experiencing disengagement, change, or complexity.
In my work through the Schultz Human Flourishing Model™, I look at socialisation as the primary engine of human growth. It is shaped through every interaction a young person has: at the dinner table, in the classroom, on the sporting field, through the media they consume, and within the communities they navigate.
When these socialisation experiences are healthy and supportive, a young person is more likely to develop the resilience and connection they need to flourish. When those experiences are fragmented or unsupportive, we often see the “leaves” of the plant begin to wilt—appearing as disengagement, school refusal, or emotional distress.
Socialisation is about finding a place in the world
For a child or young person, socialisation is how they learn the “rules” of life—not just the rules of a game or a classroom, but the deeper rules of human connection. It is how they form their sense of The Individual/Self and begin to understand their own human worth.
In my Doctoral research, I identified eight key elements that make up this process. One of the most vital of these is Values.
We often talk about values (like trust, care, and belonging) as abstract ideas. But for a young person, values are felt experiences. They are the guideposts that tell a young person which behaviors are “good” or “desirable” in their particular culture.
If a young person grows up in an environment where the value of Belonging is a lived reality—where they are genuinely seen and included—they develop a secure base. They know that even when they make mistakes, they still have a place.
However, many of the young people I work with have experienced “social exclusion.” They have been made to feel that they don’t quite fit, that they are a “problem to be managed,” or that they are being viewed through a lens of what they can’t do. When the value of belonging is missing, the “soil” becomes dry, and the young person may react by withdrawing or acting out.
Socialisation takes place through the eight elements
Socialisation is not one separate part of a young person’s life. It occurs through the pressures they are managing, the changes they are adapting to, the values they experience, the communities they participate in, the learning opportunities available to them, the sense of self they are developing, the cultures that shape their identity, and the moral questions they encounter in relationships.
These are the eight elements of the Schultz Human Flourishing Model™. Together, they provide a way of understanding how a young person learns to participate in the social world.
The “Soil” vs. the “Leaves”
I often use the metaphor of a plant to explain my model to families and professionals.
If a plant in your garden is struggling, you don’t typically blame the plant for not being green enough. You check the soil. You check the water and the sunlight. You look at the environment.
Children and young people are naturally far more complex than plants, but the principle holds true. When I see a young person who is “disengaged,” I see a young person whose “growing conditions” have become difficult.
Instead of only asking, “How do we fix this behaviour?”, I ask:
- What are the Modern Pressures (Element 1) affecting this young person? Are they overwhelmed by the digital world, family stress, or social expectations?
- How are they navigating Adaptation to Change (Element 2)? Have they experienced a loss or a transition that hasn’t been supported?
- What is the status of their Community (Element 4)? Is there a mentor, a teacher, or a peer group where they truly feel they belong?
- Are we supporting their Life-Long Learning (Element 5)? Are we focusing only on their academic grades, or are we helping them learn the emotional and social skills they need to live a flourishing life?
It is more than “being social”
A common misunderstanding is that a “socialised” young person is one who is outgoing or has a lot of friends.
In reality, socialisation isn’t about personality; it’s about connection. A quiet student who spends their lunch break in the library but feels deeply respected by their librarian and understood by their family is “socially connected.” They have a stable sense of The Individual/Self (Element 6) because they are in an environment that values them as they are.
Conversely, a young person who is surrounded by people but feels they have to “mask” who they are to be accepted is experiencing a form of social strain. They are in an environment where the Culture (Element 7) of the group doesn’t align with their needs for genuine connection.
Through the Human Flourishing Profile™, I help teams and families identify these subtle distinctions. We look for where the “nutrients” are missing in the socialisation process.
For some young people, the missing piece is Moral Thinking (Element 8)—developing the capacity to take the rights and needs of others into account. But we can’t expect a young person to take responsibility for others if they don’t first feel that the community is responsible for them. To accept moral responsibility, a person must first feel a sense of connection.
A familiar example: Reframing the struggle
Imagine a student I will call “Ryan.” Ryan is 14 and his school attendance has dropped to 40%. The reports say Ryan is “oppositional” and “unmotivated.”
When Ryan and I sat down for the Profile process, we didn’t talk about his attendance. We talked about his world. Through our mapping, we realised that Ryan felt a deep sense of Community only in one place: at his local boxing gym. There, he felt his strengths were recognised. In contrast, at school, he felt he was constantly being measured against Modern Pressures (academic standards) that made him feel like a failure.
His behaviour wasn’t the problem; it was a symptom of his “soil” being out of balance.
By using the Schultz Human Flourishing Model™, we didn’t just tell Ryan to “go back to school.” We worked with the school to bring some of the “mentoring” style of the boxing gym into his education plan. We shifted the focus back to his strengths and his inherent value.
The result? The “growth conditions” improved, and so did Ryan’s participation.
Small shifts can make a meaningful difference
Often, families and professionals feel that if a problem is big, the solution must be equally large and expensive.
What I’ve learned in 30 years of practice is that small shifts in the socialisation process can have a massive impact. It might be finding one adult mentor who “gets” them. It might be clarifying the shared Values between home and school so the messages are consistent. It might be acknowledging a “hidden strength” that has never been put on a report before.
When we “water the soil” in the right place, growth follows naturally.
Start with the whole person
Socialisation is the life-long journey of becoming who we are in relation to others. It is the most important work we do as parents, educators, and service providers.
If you are supporting a young person who seems stuck or disconnected, remember: they aren’t a problem to be solved. They are an individual whose growth conditions currently need some attention.
If you’d like to stop focusing on the “leaves” and start looking at the “soil,” I invite you to have a conversation with me. Together, we can map out the elements that will help that young person flourish.
A question to ask this week
Ask a young person: “Where do you feel most like yourself?”
Their answer may reveal an important strength, relationship, cultural connection, place, interest, or community opportunity that can inform the next step.